Dating a Ph.D. Student: The Ugly Truth

Indiana Jones. Minerva Mcgonagall. Professor X. Fiction and film are filled with colorful academics who use their intellectual prowess to save the day, time and again. But what about their personal lives? Non-stop glamour and excitement, perhaps? Not quite. Before you set your sights on a scholar, it might help to have a little insight into what it’s really like dating a Ph.D. student. 

Earning a Ph.D. is perhaps the most demanding and time-consuming of all intellectual pursuits, and the pressures of many programs are considerable. If you are thinking about dating a Ph.D. student, it pays to first consider the realities of what that might entail. While that brainy beauty or well-read rogue may be exactly what you’re looking for, it’s best to know the whole story before you decide to pursue happily ever after. 

These are a few frequently asked questions about what to expect when dating a Ph.D. student:

• What does a Ph.D. student do?  
• What is a dissertation? 
• What are the disadvantages of dating a Ph.D. student? 
• What are the benefits of dating a Ph.D. student? 

What Does a Ph.D. Student Do? 

This is a great question. While graduate students are sometimes seen in film, television, and books, there are no accurate examples out there of what actually happens in graduate school. While there are variations among disciplines, particularly between the sciences and the humanities, some characteristics common to the graduate experience include reading, writing, research, publishing (hopefully), and teaching. 

There are a lot of false assumptions and even misperceptions about what graduate students are up to when pursuing a Ph.D. My least favorite comment I heard when trying to describe what I was doing during my six years in grad school was, “So you’re basically a professional student?” No. But also, yes. It’s a complicated role, and one that is experienced in a variety of ways. 

Academia is an absorbing world. Between college, graduate school, and my career as a professor, I have been in it for half my life. It’s easy to forget how strange this atmosphere can seem to people who aren’t in the thick of it every day. If you decide to date a Ph.D. student, you should definitely ask them questions about what they do and why they’re doing it. Working towards a Ph.D. is a singular and sometimes lonely pursuit; they would probably love to tell you all about it. 

What is a Dissertation?

It won’t take long after you start dating a Ph.D. student to hear the word “dissertation.” So what is this mysterious document and why does your significant other’s world seem to revolve around it? A Ph.D. is a research degree. The end goal is to contribute to the body of knowledge and add insight to the scholarship that was previously unknown. It is literally the production of knowledge. And it’s a lot of work. 

A dissertation is a 150-300 page manuscript that documents a research process and the researcher’s subsequent conclusions. If you are dating a Ph.D. student, they may talk about the research question that is guiding their study, or the methods they will be using to test their hypothesis. If you take a peek at their references, don’t be surprised to find out they’ve been spending their time with hundreds of sources. 

When dating a Ph.D. student, you’ll gain a whole new vocabulary. It can feel like learning a new language, which is essentially what you have to do as a graduate student. Words like “limitations,” “qualitative,” and “statistical significance,” are full of meaning to graduate students, and it can take a while to pick up on the lingo. 

Disadvantages of Dating a Ph.D. Student

There are difficulties inherent to dating a Ph.D. student that may not be immediately apparent. Depending on their amount of fellowship funding, a graduate student’s income can be quite limited. Graduate students also work a lot, and they typically juggle many responsibilities. In addition to taking classes and working on their own research, grad students also assist faculty with their projects and sometimes teach as well. That doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for family, friends, and significant others. 

While their lack of free time and money may not dissuade you from dating a Ph.D. student, there are also logistical concerns to consider. Upon earning their Ph.D., a new grad faces a competitive job market and will need to be open to moving anywhere they get hired to start their career. Dating a newly-minted Ph.D. may mean uprooting your entire life and setting off for parts unknown. Can your relationship go the distance?

Moving may not be an option for you, and long-distance relationships can be tough. There is a well-known source of heartbreak in academia known as the “two-body problem.” Yes, they really call it that, and it refers to couples whose respective careers force them to live hours away from one another, or even in different states or countries. It’s not uncommon, and it’s something you may want to consider before falling head over heels for a Ph.D. student. On the plus side? Just think of all the frequent-flier miles. 

Benefits of Dating a Ph.D. Student

If you have your heart set on a scholar, don’t despair. Dating a Ph.D. student can be a great experience, especially now that you know a bit more about the work they’re doing to earn their degree. Graduate students are curious, well-read people who are usually thoughtful and interested in the world, so you’ll never be at a loss for a good conversation. Plus, you’ll never lose at trivia night again! 

Another great thing about graduate students is that they care so passionately about the subjects they study, and most of them have a genuine desire to use their knowledge for the betterment of humanity. Dating a graduate student can also lead to opportunities to travel (grant funding permitting) for conferences, archival work, or field research, which can be a lot of fun. Traveling is a great perk of being an academic, or dating one. If that sounds good to you, let the adventure begin.